Summer is HERE

I am so so excited about summer. My brother has a boat, and he has invited us to the lake next Sunday. Granted, we are going to be driving to Clark's Hill (an hour away), but it will be worth it getting to ride around and go fishing.

My boss has planned a week off in August that is perfect too. Brianna's birthday is August 6th and the vacation starts on the 8th, the day I plan her party. Speaking of which, I am not sure where to have her party. I was thinking just a little park somewhere and let the kids play, like Heritage Park in Simpsonville. I can get a table by the play area for $50 I think. Nothing special, just sandwiches, chips and cake! I need to start keeping up with other kids' birthdays. I feel bad not getting birthday gifts for my friends' kids. I have a birthday book, and I better start keeping up with it.

I have a garden and I ate my first little cucumber from it the other day. It was so cute. I have tomatoes, squash, banana pepper, cucumber, and watermelon. I am so excited. It's doing good so far. Will have a crop rolling in soon...I hope.

I need to...

1) Update my blog more often
2) Stop being so scared to take a leap of faith (will explain more later)
3) Go to church more...
4) Stop worrying about other people
5) stop whining about whining...and do something about my life

1)
a. I started a blog just so I could let everyone know what goes in my life. Obviously it's not that important or interesting cause I never update it. Most people would think that it's really busy and that's why I don't update it. Quite the opposite.

2)
a. I am always scared to get out and meet new people, scared of what they will think of me. I am super paranoid and live off acceptance way more than I should.
b. I need to tell a few people how I really feel. It sucks holding feelings in and for most of you who know me, I usually do not ever do that. It's in my list of "do not's".
c. I really need to find a career. Not just a job...don't get me wrong, I love my job. The women I work with are great and such a blessing to me and my walk with Christ, but I need something with benefits and some kind of retirement plan. I do want to retire one day.

3)
a. I've been invited to 2 different churches and have not gone from fear of rejection. Seems like all the churches I have been to in the past 10 years have done just that. Rejected me. More now than ever since I have Brianna as a single mom, never married.
b. That goes back to the scared to meet new people subject. I really am. I have a great singing voice, play guitar and have a lot to offer. I just can't get up enough courage to get out there.

4)
a. I worry too much about what others think, but mostly what they are doing. I know someone who was very involved in my life and I still keep up with them even though they are not in my life anymore. I feel like a stalker but at the same time, I have not come to accept that they are not around anymore. sucks.

5)
a. Doing something with my life as far as occupation, Brianna and losing weight. I have lost 11 lbs in the past 2 weeks. I get in the depressed moods and feel like I have no friends and I eat chocolate. I love Chocolate!!!! I have no one to look good for. That would make all the difference in the world. But at the same time, I will never find someone to look good for, if I don't look good to start with. I proved that last week when I met this guy online and invited him to come to the salon to meet me and get a haircut. I never heard from him again. JERK! Anyway...I have did some self evals and nothing negative on my part has surfaced. I am tired of being tired.

Spreaking of tired...I took some Tylenol PM and I am sleepy. Maybe I can jot a little more in this and whatnot...later.

hugs and just hugs....
Lee

Thoughts on life and what it all means

You know...I was going to write this whole big blog on my life and what it means to me now, but you know I have seen too many people leave this world and NEVER know the meaning of life. It seems so pointless to sit and worry about it but at the same time it seems pointless to try to make it into something that it will never be. I am told so many times that I will find the one and things will look up and my life will be awesome one day. Out destiny is planned for us from day one. Things do not "get better" and things never end the way you want them to. We waste too much precious time trying to sort things out and trying to figure out what we can do to improve situations and our lives when really life is like walking blindfolded. You never know if you will stomp a toe, step on something sharp, or just plain fall flat on your face. You can get up from there but the blindfold stays in tact. I have been walking like that my entire life. If you would have asked me 10 years ago if I thought I would be a mom and not have mine here today, I would have told you that you were crazy. I don't regret a single thing that I have done. I have my daughter and I see my mom living through her everyday. Brianna is my blessing!!! I have no clue what I did to deserve her.

I don't confuse myself as to ask what I did wrong or what I could change about myself because I have always been who I am and that will never change. I have an ex that thinks they know me...and I think that it's so funny that he absolutely does NOT know who I am at all. He never took the time to know my heart and all he did was take what he knew and base his whole opinion on that one aspect of my personality. It hurt our chances of ever becoming a great couple. Oh boy was that a messed up situation.

I miss my friends in Charleston. I took them for granted so much. I never had the support system here like I did there. My Psi Delta Phi sisters are so amazing. I think about all the great times we had and what they all did for me spiritually and emotionally and I am still in awe. They were never scared to tell me that I was wrong and never hesitated to help me when I needed it. That's the issue I am running into here. I am baffled at how people say they are friends and they don't standup for you or go that extra mile to help. It just doesn't happen anymore. I know some people are going to read this and be offended but its ok cause I just wanna let the truth out. When my mom passed away, the church I was attending, there were only a few people who sent condolonces. The ones who I thought were my friends, did not message me, call me, or even tell me they were sorry about my mom when I came back to church. And that is the reason that I don't attend there anymore. I was told the other night that I needed to go to church to have the support system. It's really a joke. Church isn't even social anymore. I would like to go back to church but it being pushed on me and people who go to try and make me feel guilty, is driving me away from it.

I am so once burnt, twice shy. There are only a few people that I trust. There are friends who I thought would be there with me through thick and thin but comes to pass that they are only there through the good times cause they are that selfish. When they were going through hard times and having "issues" I would stay on phone with them, never critisize or blast them and I would always try to be encouraging to them and seems like now they get stressed by me being stressed and trying to make me feel bad for "needing" someone. To heck with all that crap. It really seems to almost make me feel like I am a burden on people. I don't think that I am because I am a very prideful person when it comes to asking for help. I feel like asking someone to watch my daughter for me when I work is a burden unless I pay them. I hate begging more than anything in this world and I would rather do it myself than beg someone to do it for me.

These and more are some of the reasons I will probably never get married. I can not deal with rejection and refuse to keep people around who blow me and my problems off like they can't deal with it. All you have to do is listen for goodness sakes!!! I am done ranting now so I will go and until next time, I will stay me and don't expect any less.

No words

I said no words, but I really have plenty. I have had a hard time emotionally these past few months. Being decieved, lied to, and unloved. Seriously. I am left out of all the fun half of the time, no one calls me unless they need me, and I come a runnin! I don't know what to do anymore honestly. I have a select few that think I am fun and come around when they can. The others use me. The good Lord knows I would love to move away and start over somewhere, but I know I can't keep running from my problems. I have to face my life at some point and start living for ME! I try to stop my heart from giving so much, but it's absolutely impossible. I chose to be run over time and time again. I am in a rut, and I don't know how to get out!!!! I sit and cry from being so lonely. I had prayed God would send me someone. Time and time again, here I am crying with no Mom, no partner, noone to call on when I need them. It's understandable that everyone has their lives and I do NOT wanna be the one to interrupt. It just doesn't seem fair. Yeah call it a pity party, but you would feel the same way. I will be 28 this month and have yet to marry. Now, don't get me wrong! I would rather marry once later and for forever than sooner 5 times. I wish I could find someone to love me. *sigh* Even for a moment, it would be nice. Someone to look at me like I was the most beautiful of all of God's creations. Then, I would call him mine! I am tired. Just really tired......

...honestly starting over

I have not written a blog in about a year. Not really sure where to begin. I know my last blog on another site, I was in a relationship and happy. Well I am still happy but no longer in a relationship. Things don't quite end up how you expect and for that I am glad. A few months ago you would still see me sitting here with that little glimmer of hope in my eyes. I had a lot of faith that God had sent me this guy. Well I am sure God sent him to me, but not exactly the way I expected. God HAS to have a sense of humor. He really seems to use me as a test dummy sometimes with men. I meet ones I brag on and do anything for and then they just prove time and time again they are just using me for one thing or the other. I am good for everything...ask them all. I can't say I am not good for anything...if that was the case, I would never get the chance to make all these men happy and so confident. Maybe that's my purpose with men. To make them all confident in themselves so they can go on that true quest to find the ONE. Anyway...Maybe one day I will find that man that has the same purpose and we can make each other very happy and have lots of babies!!!

On another note, I am absolutely the luckiest Mommy ever! Brianna has grown and developed into a very cute and very smart toddler. She makes my heart melt. My mom passed away May 27th and since then, I have had days where I didn't think I was going to make it without her. God sent this baby to me to help me through all this. To be to Brianna what my Mama was to me. It has been really hard and almost like a nightmare. I never thought I would lose my mom this early in life. It has been a changing and morphing experience for me. My mom said when I found out I was pregnant God has a purpose for this baby and you will know one day. I now see and now I know why Brianna was given to me. I cherish every second.

I have a new job (been there since June). I am the assistant to the owner of a salon in Greenville called Hair Benders. I work with the absolute most wonderful women on the face of the planet. They are really a moral support and a support for my spiritual life as well. I do miss working at Perry and really regret quitting there sometimes. I miss some of the people, the benefits, and of course the pay. I had it made there. I had thought about going back but I really think I need a mental break from there and get "right" in my life before I go back in those fences and face those inmates again.

Other than all the drama, trying to find a new church, losing my mom, losing my companion, and losing my job, my life has turned out to be quite swell!!! I am enjoying life now with my bestest friends...BTW. Jenna and I are bestest friends again and I am so so so so happy! I love her!!!!